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Ryan

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[05 Oct 2007|08:08pm]
So I've completed my journey 100% successful. 3 months of abstaining from music, movies, television, books, entertainment, social interraction, meat, then delving further into total isolation, starvation, intense daily meditation, and constant battling against ego desires and attachments. I felt very victorious, but ever since I finished I've been indulging rather frequently on all the things I rid my attachments to. And even though I partake in all the things and eat all the foods I'm not attached to them, I don't need them to be happy, I've totally found my own inner light and love. but I've been rather stagnant in my growth and I believe it's really time to take it to the next level. I'm starting to feel as if I'm regressing back into my older self, doing all the things I did in high school. I did a lot of good work in Bakersfield and got a lot of people involved in the mystery school teachings, but it's really time to get back to LA and start doing what I was meant to do. This is where my place is. I lost 20 pounds on the journey all within the last two weeks when I was eating nothing at all and meditating 10 hours a day, and now I've gained 30 pounds and for the first time in my life I have a belly. It's very small but it's just enough to notice whenever I look in the mirror. It's very strange, my body has gone through such dramatic change in such little time. At least I've been exercising regularly and I'm starting to build up my muscle again. I think I want to go to Japan and compete in Ninja Warrior. I really love that show. I'm going to Ireland in November to advance my training to the next level, very excited about that. I seriously feel like I'm in the Matrix now. I've seen and experienced so many things, came across so much truth. I can't ever look at life the same again. I can see how I've gone down the rabbit hole and there is no going back.
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[26 Jul 2007|10:58pm]
What an amazing break through. I had the most epic yet incredibly anti-climactic battle today against sugar cookies. I wanted one soooo bad and they were right in front of my face and though it would have compromise the integrity of the entire journey that I am on and made me feel guitly about it I was so ready to say "fuck it, it's just a cookie." But I just returned from my Qabalah ascention study group and we are in the sephirah of Yesod which is all about subconscious desires and overcoming physical attachments. So it felt like it was about so much more than just a cookie. I called my guide and asked for assistance and she simply assured me of what I already knew and I started screaming and howling and banging on the walls like a mad man and I ran up to the cookies and exclaimed: "FUCK YOU!!!" and I was so overwhelmed and fullfilled with the taste of satisfaction that by the time I performed my victory chuckle I was no longer hungry for the damn things. This is proving to be so much more of a challenge that I ever expected it to be, and it's really all about my conviction and dedication to finding the inner light of my true self, and how ever ambitious I am about that will reflect how seriously I take this thing. Meditating 4 hours a day isn't that difficult, finding the time to do it is helping me to escape from social interractions. I miss music like I miss a long lost lover though, that's probably my strongest attachment. my sex drive is through the moon. I'm glad I was able to prevent myself from having sex with this really hot airy fairy chick whom I would have ended up needing to form a romantic relationship with which I really don't need right now, especially with someone as emotionally unstable and ungrounded as her. But yes, the cookie battle was the most difficult one yet. And I really felt like I conquered a major beast within me, this whole month has really been about detoxing myself of all the attachments and blockages that no longer serve me. My acceleration rate though is very astounding. I have activated 45 people so far, I'm going to be teaching a couple classes on Astral Travel and Guided meditations which I am really excited about, I'm staying focused and determined in getting rid of all my shit, doing my rituals everyday, eating healthy foods, exercising. I'm getting kind of muscular and tan which feels pretty neat and my hair is getting really long and blonde. Yes, there is much to be thankful for, and much to be proud of, I'm really starting to step into my teacher energy and am expressing my role model self in all circumstances with all people, serving as a being of knowledge and inspiration to those whom encounter me, and for the first time in my life I feel WISE! not just intelligent. I am connecting more to my emotions and my heart and have become passive enough to let my soul guide me. So YAY! I really just wanted to vent about the cookie thing because it was a big mile stone for me inspite of all the other miraculous spiritual experiences I have been encountering lately. That definitely tops em all! weird eh?
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[21 Jun 2007|11:15pm]
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Hey look it's me. The night before my journey. I look kind of sad. Other people have been noticing it as well. I feel almost like a new person every day. It's astounding how many other people are going exactly through what I am in my Qabalah class. We all had a little study group today and many things came to light. It's always glad to have friends, or at least others. The worste thing a person could ever do is to think that they're alone in what they're going through. Community is so important. I feel so honored and grateful for everyone I know. Thank you friends. Here's to you kids! Who knows what I'll look like when I'm done, energetically and physically. Exciting/scary. I think I might have a long shinto priest go-T. I'm kinda growing one out I think. It's the first time I've ever actually styled my facial hair. that is all! Remember to love your soul! Amd let your heart guide you. and um...don't fall into any black holes.
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[17 Jun 2007|12:06am]
It's funny, looking back on all the interests I posted when I first got this thing and realizing how most of them are no longer interests of mine. So today was an amazing day, my calling to BAkersfield has been affirmed. I went to a little metaphysical book store much like the white lotus called The Enchanted Cottage and it had a very amazing feel to it. their inventory much outranks that of the white lotus and the interesting thing about BAkersfieldians is that their all wiccan/pagan based, so there's a whole society of "witches." I offered my services and they seemed very interested in having me, they then referred me to a place called The Altar which was a much bigger store that had a healing room on the side and a huge yard in the back with a maypole which I'm sure they use for ceremony and such, the lady who worked there was very interested in me and asked if I could perform my DNA activation on a good friend of hers/co-owner of the shop who was kind of ill.

SO within ten minutes I rushed home and got my wand and she came in and I activated her and the energy was stronger than almost any activation I've ever done, it felt like a swarm of pixies was constantly tickling my skin almost to the point of euphoria. She confessed that she was well over a 100 years old, which I did not doubt, and had been traveling all over the world performing hands on healing and such to several countries, so it was a great honor to have her let me, a baby in this new world, work on her. And of course it's always a great honor to have the chance to perform this amazing transformation process on anyone. I've done 15 so far and I feel more and more connected every time. They were very pleased with the results and want me to bring in my business cards, which should be coming any day now, and any other information I have on what I do. So that was fantastic. Each day I feel more in control of my life and at the same time more guided than ever. I see signs and opportunities all around, constantly reminding me and reassuring me of the path I've set myself on. It just really feels good to know I'm doing the right thing. That I'm doing exactly what I always wanted to do in a much more profound manner than I would ever imagine possible. It's at such an unimaginable degree it's almost overwhelming. I feel more empowered and more humbled and more enriched than ever before in my life. So many things are changing, the world is changing dramatically every day, and to truly feel it and know that I'm apart of it all is a feeling that cannot be compared to anything of this earth.
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the journey towards the center of myself [12 Jun 2007|02:08am]
Such a revalation of a weekend. So many things have come to light. Really accelarating the urgency to fulfill my path. I wish I could talk of some the things but it's all pretty much on a need to know basis. I broke up with Carly awhile ago. I'm still feeling a bit empty from it. She's a very sweet girl and full of love and joy and warmth. She really needs someone who is going to appreciate every aspect of her. I'm much too unstable to dedicate myself to any kind of project. There's still so much to weed out of me from within, so many buttons and insecurities and attachments, most of which are still unexplainable. I really strive to get to the core of myself and truly realize what it is I want in life and exactly what my purpose is. To answer those ageless questions as Who am I? Where did I come from? Where am I going? Why am I here? through the end of this year I intend to find the keys to these answers through intense meditation and rigorous abstinence from all distractions. I've felt within my heart that Carly and I were not equal for each other and knew that it needed to end, but I am very unsatisfied with the way it ended. I wish there would have been a better resolve, instead of a dead ended fit of emotions and anger. I can't find the words within me to tell her exactly how or why we must part, but I do hope that she finds her purpose in life and that she finds much happiness through it, I still want for us to be good friends. She is a very unique person. What an amazing 7 months this has been, comparing it to diving down a rabbit hole would do it little justice but I can find no better comparison. taking the blue pill? I don't know. All that matters is that I've unlocked the doorways to the rest of my life and now the hardest part I must face is walking through them. So many things I still find hold me back. Issues, ideas, emotions, desires I thought I could never have, all the light has brought them out, it is indeed much harder than I ever thought it would be, and the journey to the truth always is. I wish you could all empathize with me so it wouldn't seem like I'm being so dramatic, maybe one day you will, the doors of the north west gates are always open. I invite you all to join if it is truth you are seeking, God knows I've found a bit a piece of mine. Well, peaceful journey to all, I must figure out how to astral travel again, it was quite amazing. I suggest you all try it, with caution of course. Namaste!
5 vials| inject brain juice here

[25 Mar 2007|10:13pm]
I guess since I read CArly's little posts I feel like writing one. Today I was a little outside of myself I feel. THis morning was lots of fun because we were in the tired mode which made things more hilarious to interpret and pronounce. I feel like running up into the hills with a samurai sword and doing battle with 100 ninjas. Sometimes I just wanna be one with the moon and the woods in a very warrioresque way. It makes me excited to think that one day I will be like that, no matter how feudal and traditional things aren't anymore. I feel strong though, and that's good. Almost limitless. I didn't do all that much today but it's not really like I was supposed to anyways. I have no true obligations, just ambitions.
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four worlds, four elements. four me! [21 Mar 2007|10:25pm]
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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
I AM AWESOME!
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[20 Mar 2007|05:27pm]

whew! I had a very miraculous dream as well as sleep and it was all about John's father who's in B.O.T.A. and he was teaching me different rituals and guiding me through some initiations from his order and he was telling me as an exercise to form a relationship with a hamburger. I couldn't do it because I didn't have the ability to trust the hamburger because I felt it would harm my body and he told me that I could not form a relationship with a person or thing without fully trusting it first. It seems like common knowledge but it had a much deeper meaning in my dream. And today this woman at vons drenched me with her stinky vibes and I was so sensitive to it that I felt as if I was burning up on the inside. I had to take several deep breathes and calm my nerves and it was one of the most terrible feelings I've ever felt. I confronted her about it later and she just turned her negativity on full blast and I thought that maybe I was just going to melt into a puddle of flames right in front of her.

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like a long forgotten dream [22 Feb 2007|02:06pm]
yaay. I found a bunch of old hat drawings from Mr/ Olsen's class of art. There are a few good ones that I never finished. I shall tack them onto my theoretical corque board of ambitions. So things are going all according to plan, that's all I can say, my dreams have been WICKED ASS and today I will further develop my psychic abilities. Who on earth would ever repeatedly get a lush tatto on the inner wall of their lower lip?~

It could be sweet.'

the world is only as imperfect as you are.

the flaws you see in others are equivalent to the ones you see in yourself.

become the change you wish to see.

Most people aren't like most people.

Get the picture yet?
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VENT [25 Jan 2007|06:21pm]
You don't need to read this, it probably won't serve you any, I just need to vent.

I just feel so..weak lately. Like I can't control myself anymore. I lose my temper so easily over anything. It makes me angry just to see my mothers name on my phone, calling me everyday. I feel so negative and tired all the time and I've been getting plenty of sleep. I eat bad food and owe the bank 270 and all these other dumb debts and work has been slow. I think I might be going through another stage in my growth, it's happening much quicker than all the other ones happen, it usually takes awhile. I think I just need some time to myself and relaxation and I don't think I know how to contact my guides, I feel like my Ego is just this thick black never ending wall that I cannot penetrate through in order to connect to my higher self, everything I see in my meditations is just a reflection of my imagination and my ego. I need to feel like I'm producing something but I feel like I don't have the time or the money to do it. I feel so dependant on other people to solve my problems because I don't feel like I can do it on my own anymore. I can't just sit in a room and raise my vibration because something else will happen to tick me off and then I feel down again and I know I'm going through something right now and some healing needs to be done but I don't think I know how to do it. that's all I guess.
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happy Oh SEVEN! [17 Jan 2007|02:30pm]
[ mood | cool cool ]

ooo so the 6th is when I got initiated as an Adept and became a Kabbalistic Priest and it's also when I starting spinning clockwise and moved into an apartment with Nestor (which is haunted by a lady who was murdered in my room but she can't come in cuz I made a magick circle around it and Nestor is trying to help her towards the light through is dreams) and bought a 2005 shiny blue stick shift Dodge Neon (which I TOTALLY tought myself how to drive ((Ryan power!!))and got a job as a Machinist (which I just got fired from today) and as a waiter at an INdian Restaurant. It's cooooooo! I have an interview tomorrow at Denny's so hopefully I can go back to having two jobs cuz I LOVE having NO TIME TO MYSELF!! So much for starting off the new year eh? SOOO MUCH!!!! Come to our house (apartment) warming party this Friday the 19th at 8182 De GArmo Ave. in sun Valley. It starts around 8 or so and ends at sunrise. have fun y'all and remember that there's nothing more important than that you feel good. It's nothing personal, take it easy. Just do it. Namaste!!

1 vial| inject brain juice here

[02 Jan 2007|05:45pm]
It was a BANG! BANG! BANG! and it was brutal and mean and woke me from my dream. Very short and to the point, then I heard the exhaust of a large truck heave out into the street. I awoke strung by curiosity only to discover and envelop shyly hiding under my mothers door matt. What was inside you ask?! A CHECK for 3,855 dooooooooollars! boom boom booom I thanked the money gods kindly. My mother wasn't impressed. She said "well it's real, but I wanna see everything in writing and all the info on this damn thing." But the truth is that I'm going to New York for 3 days to be in some honky tonk fashion show and they paid me LOTS of money to doo it. I thought it was such a flop, it took so long to get here, sounded so shady. The last night of my money candle though, the last night it had to burn, fuming my desires in its prime, the heat of its final moment. SPLASH! I have a new apartment! I spent all night with John, Ray, Denise, Elisha and Nestor. We finished off the night with the crashing into of many sidewalk barrels. It was a hoot! They fell down like foolish clown people who didn't know the meaning of movement.
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feelin golden [30 Dec 2006|02:45pm]
[ mood | golden basket of beans on ice ]

these are the times for dream and inspiration! The time to capture the eternal moment with thought and determination (desperation). but that is the most beautiful thing about the eternal moment. It IS ETERNAL! We don't have to capture it with pictures and blogs and journals and words. It will exist forever! But we don't do it because we have to do we? We are not creatures of necessity. "nothing is necessary" for us. that is the divinity of free will, we can or we can't and it won't matter either way. This is a leason we will take several lifetimes to learn, and that's not a good or bad thing. I know we must view things in a dualistic matter (good or evil) because we are 3 dimensional free will beings who can only understand these two forms of power. But there's so much more to this polarity integration game! SOOO MUCH MORE!!! And it's beautiful that we don't mind any of it and focus on traveling to AFrica and india and France and Brazil, because those are BEAUTIFUL PLACES!! And they are worth experiencing just as well as Mars or the Orion Star system. There's nothing I need to teach my cousin, nothing I can tell him that he won't learn through experience, that is how I am able to let him do whatever, he's exactly where I was at his, in fact beyond me. I was much more arrogant. He will make it and I have much faith in him and I cheer him on and encourage him in every one of his endevours. Sex is beautiful and I'm glad I have mine. Carly wants to fuck me in the ass with a strap on and that's fine. It will be exciting. I know that I am in love with her and she's a miraculous fire ball that has the energy to burn me down if I let her. My friend Avater the aviating alias has an Aries girl friend as well and I can totally sense her FIRE! I told him that all he needs do is to develop much patience and energy, because that is what an Aries requires, and I now think I am able to supply that much of the bargain. My arm muscles are feeling weird from typing so I'll get back to it later, but even if I don't it will be captured later by some other person in some other time or in some other space. And if it's NEVER captured that's fine too cuz this moment aint going ANYWHERE!!

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[25 Dec 2006|03:59am]
[ mood | nervous ]

Avril Lugosi is my new band name. Last night was fun. There was a gift exchange at Vinnie's and I got a cowboy hat and a wooden snake which I kept using to whip people in the ass. James bought be a cool book, we later went to play pool, bought delicious jack in the box, watched The Cable Guy. Bonded with some new faces, created irritation with old faces (the guy who punches faces was mad at me) Apparently I put people on the spot when I'm intoxicated. I have an enormous bundle of twigs in my trunk for some reason, I thought it was funny. I got a job as a waiter at an Indian restaurant. yay for me! MOving out in a week, feels gooood. NEstor and I are gunna drive each other nuts. I also have a stuffed pink piggy that I have named Norton. I miss the Carly. She is sweet. I look forward to playing with my cousin tomorrow. R. Bud D.

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you must read all of this [18 Dec 2006|03:02am]
Nestor and I discovered very amazing things last night. We discovered the truth about Allister Crowley (probably spelled that wrong) and the Illuminati and that the grey aliens are immortal beings of evil who control the illuminati who control us who are all controlled by Lucifer but Lucifer isn't actually the devil. This has just been implied by different churches and religious through out the years. Lucifer is an Arch Angel and Satan maybe have been declared to be a fallen angel but it is not certain and there are no real ties between the two characters. Then we discovered about THE GALACTIC FEDERATION OF LIGHT who are these aliens who are really humans who look over our planet and make sure the greys and the reptoids (who have been breeding with our peopl ever since about 900,000 bc) stay in place and don't fuck our planet over and HUMANS actually developed from the Vega star system 5 billion years ago and have been traveling all over the galaxy colonizing planets and THE GALACTIC FEDERATION is just human aliens like you and I who are trying to bring light and energy into every planet but our planet must first go through an initiation process before we can be accepted into "the light" and their home base is in China, there's a lot more, but the really important thing is that there's this HILARIOUS tv show that is loosely based off of these concepts filmed around the 80's in JApan with American actors and American music called Photon and you just HAVE to check it out on youtube you'll cream your pants. Then I was looking for all the things that happened on the day I was born and a man named R. Buddy Dwyer who was a Republican treasurer of Pennsylvania accused of stealing lots of money and on the day he was centenced to 55 years in prison he shot himself in the face on live television. We read out his whole story and believe that he was innocent. Many metal bands made parodies of the event and that song "hey man, nice shot" by Filter is actually inspired by the event. Thus I've decided to have my pin name be R. Bud D. in memory to the momentous character who died two hours after I was born. then it was 8 am and Nestor and I decided to go eat and saw a BEAUTIFUL coyote in the street and as we went to approach it the man with no face and no voice came walking down the street and we "talked" with him for awhile, Nestor and I both think he's a pretty good guy. I fell asleep after reading the introduction to "The Hermetic Order of The Golden Dawn" and didn't wake up until just half an hour ago. What amazing dreams I had. Remember guys. E = mc4! And don't let The Reptoids use their scalar psychotronic mind control devices on you. Sai Baba is the new Cosmic Jesus.
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chest tattoo [17 Dec 2006|06:18am]
what does everybody (anybody) think of my tattoo idea?

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[17 Dec 2006|06:09am]
My mom is singing acapello style in her computer to he song Shame by The Smashing Pumpkins in my room, that's kinda cool? Yesterday was a perfect day. Like the kind TSP and the Velvet Underground and that other chick band sing about. you know the one I'm talkin about.
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yay for 3 am [13 Dec 2006|11:06am]
So my comic is going along well, I have a whole 3 pages now! I spent like an hour or so making this one panel just so I can have a close up of his face. It's odd though, I'm painting a picture of my friend Bumper (who is my model for the main character) and I was listening to NIN the entire time I was painting it and it looks a hell of a lot more like Trent Reznor than it does Bumper. thought it would make for a good post I guess. I have nothing else. night night!
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Naple Wisdom [12 Dec 2006|02:49am]
[ mood | okay ]

Blood like my naple system, Naple wisdom? The Summer wind cries this supple teet of a baby bird dies in the vortex soup of Brazilian coffee bugs. Jungle moon come out and sing through the dark wet trees. Dancea lure fist hook caught in the mouth of a yellow grenade. Spewing record player shaped boxes into the mystery of the world. Dance dizzy flower muffin. Grey sands bend a white checkered road. Sea spots in the distance begging evermore for the glory of the lips kissing the nose of another pitch sunset. Bark lazy and tired. Grinning exaustion epple grey memories beside me to guide me under white cloaks and dry green leaves in swirled glass balls fitting fuzzy teeth cringidly in blue velvet eyeball sockets. Sleep too slow for the sleeping turtle. The esner wilds play "black moon rising" and as the sun parts the night into day the summer birds say "where's my part in the mix?" Can I get a fix of your fresh precious juices? A baby can fall in this bucket and die. Don't you know? Don't you lickyour finger and judge where the wind blows. Where does it go? It's all the same. where does the wind go James? It all goes down to evil and when the dawn of angel wings slap the scales of a mermaids fresh bosom. Nectar flowers in the pit of her loins. Where the moons over the dead in a world most tasty grabbed by grebble nim aiders, and fade, and blur, and burn the summer winds.

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Canada poem 2 [12 Dec 2006|02:39am]
I sit mealky doing simple thing. The start is always rough but it's the best and only way to get to the end: a mocking joke that expands as you approach it like the bleeding horizon of a neverending sunset. Humor is the knife that penetrates all darkness.
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